DiscoveryDiscoveryDiscovery

Today I drove around my town, letting my mind wander as I weaved through traffic. I took a turn down a narrow dirt road and follwed to it's end. I came across a large pond. One that I had never known of in all of my existance. I got out of my car and I was consumed in the sound of the water resonating off of the faces of the surrounding mountains. the pond was loud with the sound of running water and dancing leaves, the sound booming only to the ears within it's cove. this undiscovered area, alive with so many thoughts unknown to my world, gave me the urge to use this hidden knowledge to be something greater, to seek something greater. I found myself at the edge of the water, cautiosly dipping my foot in, afraid to experience what elements of my life would now become visible and understandable. But instead of retracting my foot, this new water drew me deeper. encouraging me to wade further in and to not be afraid of what I may be walking into. It was in this moment that an eternal love began to make it's way through my body towards my mind and into my heart. A new brillance flooded through my thoughts and knowledge. A new love, once invisible and unfathomable, seemed normal. My heart, once broken and shattered throughout my world, was now permanently sealed with the greatest love. A new world, once hidden to my teenage-destructive-badass eyes, now outshines all things that my life consists of.

you will never be without love.

i've recently realized that maybe i don't need you as much as i once thought.

or maybe i really do need you,

but i have to accept the reality where you do not need me anymore. although maybe you never did.

its time to let go of the part of me that once thrived on your attention and your constant company.

but i do love you, in every way, shape and form.

but my heart can no longer be filled with this one-sided love.

so many nights i slept with a drained heart and an exhausted mind from trying to understand you and trying to understand me

and trying to understand this being-in-love deal.

and so many mornings i awoke on a new day ready to stand up and try all over again.

this was the hardest task i have ever faced.

it doesn't exactly sound difficult to wake up, get out of bed and face the day,

but with a broken heart it's almost unmanageable.

facing failure was not something i was comfortable with.

and every single day of every single week, i faced it. over and over and over.

but i was addicted to it...

those all-night phone conversations, those friendly texts,

the changing of my daily course just to look you in the eye and feel that sense of relief with your familiar hellos.

little moments i once considered times of total happiness

turned into moments of failure i faced because i couldn't leave my addiction behind.

if only i could have avoided you and simply crashed and recovered.

it could have been that easy.

i wish there had been someone to hold my hand and tell me it was okay to stand each day.

that maybe there was a reason for it all and maybe tell me that i was strong enough to do it.

i needed a 'person' just for me.

ironically, i gave the role of being my 'person' to you.

my person who could make me laugh, wipe my tears and look me in the eye to tell me it was alright.

but how could you be that person when you had no idea of what was occurring behind my aching eyes and forced laughs?

you played your role well, well enough for me to keep needing you just to get by a single day.

the only real smiles came when you would give me your full attention and bring everything rushing back into my memory.

i literally required, needed, thirsted for the one who broke my heart.

because it was my 'person' who was the only one who could put it back together.

and you were my 'person'.

but now i think i am my own 'person'.

i can make me happy.

and that is something i could never have said before you

or more like before you stole my once together heart from me and constructed it your own way.

so now i think it's time for me to take that heart back from you and clean it up for the next person to steal it.

thank you for giving me a direction and a purpose for so long,

but now i'm ready to change courses and let you simply become a lesson learned and not in any way regretted.

thank you for being my motivation to be patient with myself and figure out just what it was i always searched for.

Chrissy Taubert

thank you for seeing the light in me

was what you said to me.

not yet do you know that your constant shine

has given me something to love.

your bright eyes and your bright words,

have done nothing but embed themselves into my mind

effecting everything I say. do. think.

reminding me always to love, and love, and love.

"your eyes, they shine so bright, you look so beautiful"

someone tells me.

I smile. but only I know that it is not my light that is shining.

it is you. beaming from the depths of my heart.

for you have me content here.

waiting, and hoping. that this light is for real.

thethingsyoudon'tknow

Today, I woke up.
And for some reason unknown I got out of bed and I walked outside. I sat on the brick walkway infront of my house. I looked past the trees and past the birds, past the perfect hue of the sky. I looked past you sitting on the beach and the happiness that I thought you would bring to me forever. I looked past it as if it had only been a figment of my imagination. I walked past you as if I was a tourist looking for the ferris wheel. Or just walking on the wooden boardwalk that seemed to conceal all of my insecurities. I think that I am better now. So maybe, just maybe, I am walking away from this as a stronger heart with the determination to love again.

I got up from my spot on the brick and walked toward the daisies on the stair. I carefully removed one from it's home and tucked it behind my ear, hoping that the beauty of its existance would keep this new want to love constantly circulating through my mind.

cause maybe, but just maybe..

    I am better.

some time ago..

The sun shined like a bare-burning flame. 

I sometimes had to squint my eyes so i could see. 

causing everything around me to fog over. 

But still. I had a feeling of complete clarity. 

so i guess anything short of complete didn't really enter my concern.

Almost as i was walking on air, I stepped into your line of vision. 
Walking over to you on your spot on the sand, opening my heart.
A door that I'd hoped would open only for you.
You would dance on clouds, tiptoeing around my delicate heart. 
I would sit still. 
Allowing you to get comfortable in a corner of my life. 
As i had dreamed you fit perfectly. 
Filling my mind with a constant reassurance
that the sun would never set on us. 
like any flame deprived of oxygen, it disappeared. 
and unlike i would have thought, i couldn't see you anymore.
Sitting on the sand, silently watching the waves break. 
The door closed so quietly it amounted to nothing but a snap of air. 
That was the strangeness of it. 
How a small sound like that could shatter my world.